Sunday, December 14, 2014

How I conquered Shy Bladder aka Paruresis

" I didn't pee, I stood there for so long, but I couldn't pee", I didn't know exactly the time for which I stood there, but after coming out of the public toilet, that is what  I told my father. I was feeling exhausted, pained and defeated with some unknown kind of fear, I couldn't do the easiest job in the world, 'pee'.
"Why? what happened?",  he asked.  I noticed another person from my own village, 'Sanju',  in the toilet itself, but didn't talk to him either, felt shy to talk to him at that moment."I don't know, other people were there, and Sanju too.", I replied.

"Did you talk to him?", asked he, " No I didn't".
"You should talk to the known people, at unknown places", he advised, and so the topic got changed.

At other places, I would have surely talked to Sanju, but in that public toilet, I was shy. Shy to talk and shy to urinate while other people were around me. This may sound funny to some people, but its a phobia with which almost 7% of the world population fights everyday. I was a child of 11 years old age, and was on my way from my village to a boarding school, where I would spend next 6 years of my life.

I knew there was some kind of problem with me, but didn't know how to express it, because of the phobia itself. When I retrospect, I can't notice a single day of my life, when I didn't struggle with it, and moreover, I didn't tell anyone about it. I feel sorry for myself, for being in dark for so long.
This is only 3 to 4 years back, at the age of 23 years, when I did learn that it is called "Paruresis", or Shy Bladder. I felt like 'Oh my God, I was suffering for so long, and I didn't even know what its name is'.  More the time you take to overcome a phobia, harder it become.

I read whatever I could find on the internet, there was not as much stuff available on internet that you will find related to other phobias, such as phobia of heights, or phobia of water. I searched for eBooks, but couldn't find any. There was one book by Dr. Steven Soifer, that was available in hard cover only. I peeked into various internet forums, a little scared, hoping not to read anything more bad about myself and phobia.

There were not many forums, except the one website www.ipa.org, where I could read the stories of other people like me. The reason for the limited stuff that I think was the the phobia itself. People are damn shy to talk about it, and moreover, not many people search for it, because we simply accept this mental devil in our life, as a truth, so why to search for it?


 Sufferer starts to think that he was simply born to suffer this way, and that I think is not truth. I took a step, that I think would need courage and determination to continue, I started to post about the phobia on one of my blogs. I started meditating and coming out with the expressions for the situation of my phobia, I would write about it. I didn't get famous, of course!, because not many people talk or search for it.

I didn't need fame from it either, I simply wanted to get out of this phobia, and I didn't care if somebody laugh after reading my blog. It became quite normal for me to talk about this phobia, to any of my friends on-line or offline, moreover, I observed myself in public toilets.
I was able to urinate while other people being around me. Sometimes I failed, but it didn't deter my will and hope for a normal life.

I took one step further, I started to write an eBook, that would cover my feelings, partly my story, and whatever solution that I could offer to the fellow sufferers. I didn't know how to write a blog, how to write like authors, but out of my phobia I partly created these qualities in me. Moreover, I think I have more than 70% recovered from this phobia.
Remember phobias are not like headache, which can be cured by taking a pill, there is no 100% cure. In June 2014, I self published my eBook titled as "Everyday Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder", and it feels great to be an author.

Thank you very much.

P.S.: The full story of my battle and suffering with Paruresis is available in a eBook, which is available on Amazon's Kindle platform only: "Everyday Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder"
When you read this book, I want you to realize and find out your own true story and share it with me.