Monday, January 9, 2017

Have you found your Fatima?

Today, I feel like writing something. I need to accept few things. It's a public platform and as it is visible to you, I feel a little shy. I would try to put my mind and feelings over here as they are. I treat this page like a transporter between my mind and my conscious. It helps me to receive and observe what my mind is up to.

I just entered my room after spending few hours in the green park of Hiranagar, Anu. I was overwhelmed with some kind of dizziness and thoughts which I couldn't read myself. In the late morning hours when I stepped out of the room to walk on the road alone, I felt more dizzy. My mother had called me last night about a to-be-marriage proposal from a family living somewhere Tihra.
When I hear the word marriage, I feel excited and fear at the same time. I have turned 29 and all my mother can think about now is my marriage. Of course I want to marry but to someone I know from past. My mother had sent me the birth details of the girl and using the internet resources I found the astrological compatibility to be average.

I had told my mother that the marriage compatibility is just average. She thought that she could talk me out it, and wants to proceed further. That makes me feel angry, first I don't know the girl yet, and also the compatibility score is only 21 out of 36. I called my mother in the morning and asked her to not give me any more marriage proposals else I would shut my phone down.

I know she feels the urgency of my marriage but I don't want to marry like this. Somehow I feel that love marriage would be better for me. All these thoughts were so clinged to my head that I could hardly stay in the room. I went out so that these thoughts could evaporate in the sunlight, which today has come after few days of clouds and rain at Hamirpur. I walked for about three four kilometers first on the main highway at Anu then I took a street path and entered the fields towards the north west of Anu. Still I could not feel light, I felt like a creep walking alone with my earphones on with its chord hidden under my leather jacket and other end tucked into my cell phone in my jean pocket which played the audio book "The Alchemist."

After that call to my mother, I felt a little guilty too, because all she is trying to do is getting me married. This is what she thinks she is supposed to do. Anyway I turned towards the children's park in Hiranagar and sat there. Few couples were seated on the seats. Some children were swinging, and also some bunch of boys were there chit chatting.

I sat on an empty seat with the sun rays on it, and tried to bask my head in their sweet heat. From inside my head was heavy with bundles and nets of thoughts. I had read that book about a decade earlier, so I needed not to concentrate hard to learn the story of that shepherd boy named Santiago. Will I find my Fatima? I don't know, but these questions put me at unrest. Have I found that king of Salem or not yet? I don't know. ... Have you??

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Fifty Shades of Fucked Up

I am kinda out of place and money to visit the theatres for the new releases, so if you say that I am late to watch this movie, you are right! Anyway, let me say what I have to say today.
It's rare to find anyone without the fifty shades of fucked up, and that is why the book "Fifty shades of Grey" and the movie got famous. Some express these shades in one way and some in the other ways. While you read this post, please try to keep an open mind, if you can't please don't read further, I won't be mad at you, I understand.

The movie shows a guy who had a hard start in his life, some woman used him for sex when he was fifteen years old. Now that he is thirty years old and a successful businessman with a billionaire tag to his name, and with a handsome physique too, anyone can hope him to have a happy girlfriend and a wife.

The movie shows it differently though. His past has taken the steering of his love life. He had a way to deal with his past, to try to be dominant with his partner in bed. Not just dominant but the violence against the girl, whom he claimed to love and which also seems true. But those fifty shades makes him blind to others' hurt.
The anger of being a victim to someone's lust at early age comes out and destroys his relationship. The movie touched me, and as the book became a bestseller, I think it has touched many.

The use of 'fifty' to count the number of shades is random, but no one knows exactly how many shades do we carry inside. Some people are good with talking and lucky enough to talk about the shades of their life, but some are frightened to even look inside, and so they don't even know.

I feel it happens to me, to you or anyone, and we can't do much about it. When Buddha went outside his palace for the first time, he found these shades in different people in different forms, and he didn't know what to do about it. He spent six years away from home, did all kind of yoga and sadhnas and finally called himself a Buddha.
But when he died, he claimed that he can't enlighten everyone, and as you can see the suffering exists even today. He showed a path, but we know that suffering is still there in the world even after 2500 years of his passing. This suffering is nothing but these fifty shades of our past experiences, and beliefs.


Thursday, January 8, 2015

Change is Life - New year New Aims!

2014 passed smoothly with few hunches in between. Since, January till june 2014, I worked with JNGEC Sunder Nagar, and then in July 2014 I admitted for M.Tech. course at NIT Hamirpur.
I could call that a hunch, in the smooth curve of my life and peace of my mind, because I felt it a bit difficult to again sit in the classrooms in the students' desk. 
The good news was that my first eBook, 'Everyday Battle with the Shy Bladder aka Paruresis' had been selling around 7 copies per month. A humble start for the first time self publishing author.

 At the same time, it felt good to upgrade my technical qualification, while earning the scholarship for it. Love relationship went bad, then sometimes good and again bad, in all like a sinusoidal wave. 
It is hard to tell, whether I was single or in a relationship, but alongside my literary skills were getting better with each blog post that I wrote about it, and each eBook that I bought and had been reading since last 2 years. 

It has been a great year, with the year end with another self published eBook, 'Everyday Battle with the Smoke and Cigarette', which I wrote after getting the positive response for the first. It always helps, when I get the emails from the people telling me their experience with my eBook.  I want to write two more eBooks this year, and publish them as another services to my readers.

Writing alongside with the regular study of the Geotechnical courses, becomes a little hectic, but somehow I managed it in the last semester, and I hope to manage it in this semester as well. This time I am equipped with the experience, so I hope that it shall be easy to score better grades in my regular courses, and also better writing in my new eBooks. 

I think, I should try my hand in the romance fiction, but it would need much free time, so I am tending not to announce anything as of now. Exploring the romantic side of my creativiting and studying the Machine Foundations and underground explorations with field testing simultaneously, will be a thrilling experience, though, therefore I long for it.  I shall keep you informed.

I have few resolutions for my daily routine, such as waking up early, running and meditation and then writting at least few lines a day, and studying well, and keeping my personal life personal and happy and all that. It is good to have resolutions, if one can keep them. 

In the mean time, you may share yours with me. Also, you may want to check out my eBooks:

Thank you and wish you every bit of happiness that you want this year.  

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

'Happy New Year 2014' with 'Everyday Battle with Smoke and Alcohol'.

Hi there,
I have been longing for this day, the day, when I publish my second book. Coincidentally, the day is the last day of the year 2014, a year worth remembrance for me. I shall remember, it as a year of transformation for me, a joyful year. First it was the year, when for the first time, I read 12 books(other than my academic books) in a row, one book each month. It happened for the first time for me in my entire life(27 years), so worth rejoicing!

I am sure, you might also had certain moments in the passing year, that made you proud of yourself. I remember, I had some resolutions last year, but I am not rigid with my resolutions. On the other hand, I have resolutions everyday. I write self affirmations everyday, for making myself a better person, and wish same for others. 
I brag a lot about my little successes, because it keeps me motivated to do more. Certainly, some people think it to be a show off, moreover a bad thing to do so, but I think it is good to be a show off when it motivates you to do more good for you and others, so instead of trying to be smart by calling others show off, one should show something good of their own. 

It was June's second week, I self published an eBook, which I had been writing since January of the same year. 'Everyday Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder', is an humble attempt to present whatever knowledge and help I could offer for the people who suffer from Paruresis, the social anxiety disorder. The book is available with Amazon's kindle platform only. 
The day, I self published that book ,I felt light and quite joyful, a feeling of achievement leapt all over me, and within few weeks, I came up with another idea. I started to write another book. Smoking and drugs are more than just a personal problem, it affects our society. I used to be an smoker, and thankfully, through a constant shift in my perspective about drugs, I confidently became an ex-smoker in April 2013. 
Everyday Battle with the Smoke and Alcohol

In June 2014, it was almost one year, since last I touched any cigarette. I was filled with energy and new hopes.I felt quite confident about writing  an eBook. I loved writing, so it I thought it would be a great fun to write another book, my own story of struggle with cigarettes with whatever advice that I could offer to others.
 I had no rigid plans to finish the book, because I have been busy with my post graduation courses at the same time. Anyway, my real passion is in writing, so I did plan to give at least 20 minute each day for this new project. Today, I feel this another feeling of achievement, because quite satisfactorily I poured down my story and ideas into this another bucket full of words, titled as "Everyday Battle with the Cigarette and Alcohol".

The reason I call it a bucket is, because you may start reading any line or page of this book, and it will be quite useful. It contains my own story of bringing the change in me in the first part of it, and the second part, which I call 'Magic Bullet' is a guide that will make a person realise that he or she doesn't really have to smoke. It covers the psychology of the trap that a smoker is trapped into, and once you understand it, you will feel free at once. No more craving for another cigarette. I am writing this post in the last hours of the year 2014, so want to thank you for all the support you gave to me all throughout the year.

It would not have been possible to write all these posts and eBooks, without the support of you. I am expecting myself soon to go for another project, because that is what I crave for now. I wish you a very happy new year 2014, and want to wish you all the best with the good things that you should crave for. 
If quitting cigarettes is one of your new year resolutions, then I would like you to take a look at my new eBook 'Everyday Battle with the Smoke and Alcohol', available for purchase at Amazon's kindle platform. 
If you have similar stories, please do share with me, I would love to read them. 

Thank you!

Sunday, December 14, 2014

How I conquered Shy Bladder aka Paruresis

" I didn't pee, I stood there for so long, but I couldn't pee", I didn't know exactly the time for which I stood there, but after coming out of the public toilet, that is what  I told my father. I was feeling exhausted, pained and defeated with some unknown kind of fear, I couldn't do the easiest job in the world, 'pee'.
"Why? what happened?",  he asked.  I noticed another person from my own village, 'Sanju',  in the toilet itself, but didn't talk to him either, felt shy to talk to him at that moment."I don't know, other people were there, and Sanju too.", I replied.

"Did you talk to him?", asked he, " No I didn't".
"You should talk to the known people, at unknown places", he advised, and so the topic got changed.

At other places, I would have surely talked to Sanju, but in that public toilet, I was shy. Shy to talk and shy to urinate while other people were around me. This may sound funny to some people, but its a phobia with which almost 7% of the world population fights everyday. I was a child of 11 years old age, and was on my way from my village to a boarding school, where I would spend next 6 years of my life.

I knew there was some kind of problem with me, but didn't know how to express it, because of the phobia itself. When I retrospect, I can't notice a single day of my life, when I didn't struggle with it, and moreover, I didn't tell anyone about it. I feel sorry for myself, for being in dark for so long.
This is only 3 to 4 years back, at the age of 23 years, when I did learn that it is called "Paruresis", or Shy Bladder. I felt like 'Oh my God, I was suffering for so long, and I didn't even know what its name is'.  More the time you take to overcome a phobia, harder it become.

I read whatever I could find on the internet, there was not as much stuff available on internet that you will find related to other phobias, such as phobia of heights, or phobia of water. I searched for eBooks, but couldn't find any. There was one book by Dr. Steven Soifer, that was available in hard cover only. I peeked into various internet forums, a little scared, hoping not to read anything more bad about myself and phobia.

There were not many forums, except the one website, where I could read the stories of other people like me. The reason for the limited stuff that I think was the the phobia itself. People are damn shy to talk about it, and moreover, not many people search for it, because we simply accept this mental devil in our life, as a truth, so why to search for it?

 Sufferer starts to think that he was simply born to suffer this way, and that I think is not truth. I took a step, that I think would need courage and determination to continue, I started to post about the phobia on one of my blogs. I started meditating and coming out with the expressions for the situation of my phobia, I would write about it. I didn't get famous, of course!, because not many people talk or search for it.

I didn't need fame from it either, I simply wanted to get out of this phobia, and I didn't care if somebody laugh after reading my blog. It became quite normal for me to talk about this phobia, to any of my friends on-line or offline, moreover, I observed myself in public toilets.
I was able to urinate while other people being around me. Sometimes I failed, but it didn't deter my will and hope for a normal life.

I took one step further, I started to write an eBook, that would cover my feelings, partly my story, and whatever solution that I could offer to the fellow sufferers. I didn't know how to write a blog, how to write like authors, but out of my phobia I partly created these qualities in me. Moreover, I think I have more than 70% recovered from this phobia.
Remember phobias are not like headache, which can be cured by taking a pill, there is no 100% cure. In June 2014, I self published my eBook titled as "Everyday Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder", and it feels great to be an author.

Thank you very much.

P.S.: The full story of my battle and suffering with Paruresis is available in a eBook, which is available on Amazon's Kindle platform only: "Everyday Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder"
When you read this book, I want you to realize and find out your own true story and share it with me.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Here comes the Examination Again! Calling from the..

Did the title of this post remind you of any rhyme of a song? If you have listened to that song, it must have. "Wake me up when September ends...Here comes the rain again, falling from the star.. ".. now??
Well, this is funny that I am writing this post, because within one week, I have my final end semester examinations and there is so much to read and understand, however it seems that as the examination is nearer, I am grasping the things much faster, but I think writing it down here can help me a little more.

After the year 2009, this is been a long gap for me to experience the thrill, horror, excitement, happiness(No!, I am not confused with my emotions, we actually feel all of them), and suspense of the examinations. I am writing this very honestly that, I want to appear in the examinations just to experience it once more.
Stressed me a bit! :P (Actually I am not that much stressed, its the camera effect that adds to it)

I want to see if I can do it in a better way, after this long gap. I have no intention to score the highest marks, or scoring the lowest marks, I just want to appear in the examination and want to face the fear once more, which once horrified me during my B.Tech.years to such an extent that I started smoking. I know, its a sad story, but now the time has changed. I am free from the clutch of the smoking and this time, I want to take it single handedly.

It is a kind of record for me to never take a chit(cheating paper), with me into the examination hall, and I am proud of myself for that. I think that the only thing that really helps us to score good in our examination is the understanding and the data of the subject stored in our own mind. If we use other means, it might help us to score good marks, but mind gets corrupted, and in long run, you score very less. In order to keep our mind focused on the right, we must learn to relax also.

Music and meditation can be a good help. I can write a very long post, but as I told you, I have my examination, so I must stop.
Thank you

Sunday, September 28, 2014

A story of an ex-Smoker


After successfully writing my first eBook, I am on my next eBook. In first book, I wrote my own story of Paruresis and a step by step guide to overcome it. You may check it out on Amazon: Every day Battle with the Paruresis aka Shy Bladder.

This was important to be written and shared with the world, because I think many people are in need of such inspirational works, which may
provide them hope and way to get out of the loop hole, in which they are trapped inside.  I thought to continue the good work, and this time my focus is onto the habit of smoking and drinking.

I think once a person gets trapped inside this habit, he/she finds it almost impossible to get out from it. It is not that the person don't want to get out of it, they have other reasons for living with the habit.
Most of the time, it is all about being ignorant towards our body and finances.

It is also about our false beliefs, in which we get so tightly trapped that we think that we were born with them. That is the reason that people accept them as the universal truth. Biggest of such a false belief is that once a person gets the habit of smoking, it is impossible to get out of it.
I know you will agree that it is impossible to get out, but please read it again,  I said that it is a false belief which is very much strong.

 With the last statement, I wanted to put another belief in your mind, but you noticed that it is difficult. This is the reason that people find it difficult to get out of such habits, but in this book, I am going to blow your mind.
I am going to share with you my own story, in very much details, which will help you to understand it better, and get away from it. After telling my own story, I shall offer a step by step written guide to take you out.

 I will put a focussing lense on my own mind, and let you sneak inside to understand the similar patterns which were holding you back from leaving your unhealthy habit.  The book is almost 40 % complete, but I think it will take few more months to get complete.

Thanks for your kind visit!