Friday, January 17, 2014

A confusing day

So, here I am sitting in front of my laptop with nothing really in my mind to share with you. I feel bored with my day to day activities and my job. In the recent days I have figured out some goals for me and I write them in my personal note-book everyday.

Writing them everyday reminds me of what I am going to achieve or what I have achieved both. Robin Sharma, Neil Strauss, Pat Flynn, and John Lee Dumas are the people whom I listen or read through the email newsletter and podcasts.

All these men have suggested to have goals in life. Pat Flynn advised not to have goal on new year's eve but to have them everyday in your mind. Everyone have their own strategies to set the goals in life.

Neil Strauss provided me 10 days free newsletter course in which he sent 10 videos on each email. Robin Sharma sends me with a numbers of quotes, Pat flynn and John Lee Dumas are the person who run their successful pod-casts "Smart Passive income" and "Entrepreneur on Fire" respectively.

I come here to to to write off what ever comes to my mind. I have few goals in my life, some of them are to be successful with my financial, personal, sexual and a life filled with a numbers world trips.

I think I am a romantic person but I am not able to express it often. I have two sides of me. One is like a cancer(astrological) who is more of less like water; and another side is Sagittarius(astrological) sign who is more like fire.

If these two sides are in conflict one of them has to die, but they are two parts and I think it is better to keep them away because either fire will die or water will. In real non of them makes my identity because I am not anyone of them.

I am the one who observes them. I have to keep one them forward or both of them forward sometimes. I have to understand that both of them are important to have a world filled with happiness. I have thought of writing a book on overcoming from Paruresis.

I think Paruresis is the result of a suppressed side of me. Which is water side, I have let my fiery characteristics out but less of the water side. I think the solution for me to get rid of Paruresis is to let the water side get out.

This has to be easy because I am determined to do so. One of the other goal that I write daily is to score more than 99 percentile in GATE Civil Engineering 2014. I have practiced multiple choice questions for it. I am still preparing for it, but I was not sure if I really want that or not.

Reading my own my is the hardest thing because, this is filled with so many thoughts and ideas simultaneously. I want a better love life. I had a girl friend who was good with the everything else but on emotional level I felt un-satisfied. I have started my search for a girl friend who can fulfill my emotional desires too.

I want a girl friend who can understand me and whom I can understand too. There are other goals too. I have a goal to be a successful entrepreneur, a world famous teacher, speaker, writer, singer, dancer and leaders. These are numbers of goals which are not specific either.

This is why I am so much confused but I am also confident at some level that I deserve to have all these goals and to achieve them is possible. I want to be a writer who can make a difference in the world by helping/improving someone's life.
I have a goal of being a kind of lover to my girl who must feel 100% secure emotionally as well as physically with me. I want to become a person who must have solution to every problem that other might have in their hand. I have found that reading biographies is interesting thing.

I have started to read them to know what these people did to make their own life successful and other's too. This is a long journey but my mind is impatient and want quick results. I have a dream of becoming a world famous and very much effective Civil engineer who could design houses, bridges, multi-stories, roads, canals, tunnels and also who can teach others to do that.

I feel now a little tired after writing these paragraphs non-stop. I never cross check what I write because I feel what-ever comes out on the first time is the real of me. If I change that after reading it second time then this will be equal to manipulate myself.

I am afraid at some level that you might be judging me with all this, but then I feel that and somehow know that no-body cares for any-body else except their own self. I am writing this page because their is something that I want something out of it, which I don't know yet.

I got this tip from somewhere that best way to know your intuition/sub-conscious mind is to start writing non-stop without using back-space. I have done this from the top of this page. I have used the back-space but not more than for two or three letters(spelling correction).

I feel ashamed sometimes because I am so much open with myself and I share this with the world. I think that if I don't accept my thoughts then how can other accept them. Even if they accept them, then what is that I will get out of it. They accept them and obviously they will get something out of it.

If I accept myself then I will get something out of it, so it doesn't really matter if others accept me or not. I have started living alone. Me and my laptop are best friends these days. Sometimes I find it difficult and feel necessary to call somebody. I call me best students or I call my sister and then /i talk to them in brief.
Sometimes I question myself if I am getting rusted or am I lagging behind? I don't really know that because I have not very much specific/well defined references for me, so I don't know if I lagging behind or moving fast.

I have almost finished this page now and still I don't have figured any specific goal for me, but I feel lighter after writing this big post. I remember a friend nagging me for my writing, I wanted to tell him to "F*CK Off" but the 'water side' of me stopped me from that.
That is what confuses me with myself, I feel to fire and wet and the same time. That never works but I still want to have some way.

I am a very much optimistic person and that is the fiery side of me. I am like a child learning to walk who falls so many times, but never stop to stand up again. So, I feel that I have a mixture of two personalities who don't go well along but, if I learn to get them along then I think I will be most successful as compared to my earlier life.

I will feel or touch the peace and happiness if I am able to bring these two personalities in peace.

I want to rest now, I have to stop now. There is one part of me who to writer further but another want to take a rest. Latter one dominates for now and I stop here.